When the Fellowship of the Ring Meets Hogwarts
by AimeeKensington
Summary: Be Warned: Every one of the Harry Potter and LotR characters WILL be mercilessly made fun of. Most of the characters are extremely out of character.
1. It Started When

Authors Note: The characters, setting, etc. belong to the  
fabulous JK Rowling and JRR Tolkien. I do not own anything. I  
am new to writing fanfiction, so this story is going to be bad.  
All that I ask is that if you choose to review this, and if you  
have any suggestions, please do it in a civil way.  
  
Introduction  
  
NARRATOR: It began as any other normal day at Hogwarts School  
of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Snape was mercilessly torturing his  
students.  
  
SNAPE: Bwahahahaha! You all shall DIE!  
  
NARRATOR: ....Myrtle was sulking in her toilet...  
  
MYRTLE: I am miserable...and bored...and miserable.  
  
NARRATOR: .... and our heroes are relaxing at the Lakefront,  
trying not to look too SUSPICIOUS...  
  
EXT. THE LAKEFRONT  
  
HARRY: Wow. I'm really bored. Ron, is it time to go have  
another adventure yet?  
  
RON: No, Harry. Our next big, yet slightly  
overrated, adventure doesn't begin for another two hours.  
  
HARRY: Oh.  
  
HERMIONE: Stop whining, you two! Why don't we just go annoy  
Dumbledore?  
  
EXT. DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE  
  
HARRY: Hi, Dumbledore. We're bored.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Hello, Harry. Would you like to meet my great,  
great, great, great, great, great, great....  
  
NARRATOR: Two hours later...  
  
DUMBLEDORE: .... great great uncle?  
  
HARRY: Erm, okay....  
  
HERMIONE : No Harry! We don't have time!  
Our next big, slightly overrated, adventure starts..NOW!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Put a sock in it, Hermione.  
  
HARRY and RON look at DUMBLEDORE in AMAZEMENT.  
  
DUMBLEDORE : You must meet my great, great, great,  
great...ah, to hell with it.  
  
HARRY and RON look at DUMBLEDORE in AMAZEMENT.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: What? As I was saying.... This is  
my ancestor, Gandalf the Grey.  
  
GANDALF : Cheerio!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: As I was saying, my dear old 'uncle' is going to be  
visiting us today from the year of 1300 something...  
  
HERMIONE: But, sir, if you please...how is that possible?  
  
DUMBLEDORE : I dunno, magic, maybe?  
  
HERMIONE: Ah.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: AND he's bringing his friends! Won't that be  
lovely?  
  
HARRY: Erm..  
  
DUMBLEDORE : Well, Harry, I must get back to work. If  
you will please, go and get into trouble elsewhere...  
  
HARRY, HERMIONE, AND RON LEAVE.  
  
EXT. OUTSIDE SOMEWHERE.  
  
Our LORD OF THE RINGS characters ARRIVE  
  
FRODO is seen giving HARRY the EVIL EYE.  
  
FRODO: Hello Harry, since you are obviously the hero around  
here, I must make you feel inferior to my magnificence.  
  
HARRY: Yeah, whatever. What makes you so great?  
  
FRODO: I went on a quest to destroy the ONE RING, and saved  
MIDDLE EARTH from mortal peril.  
  
HARRY : Ooh, I am overly impressed. In case you  
haven't heard, I whooped Voldemorte's sorry ass several times to  
date.  
  
FRODO: Ooh, another Dark Lord, huh?  
  
HARRY: Yup, how did you know?  
  
FRODO: Erm....  
  
MEANWHILE....  
  
RON: So, you're the sidekick too, huh?  
  
SAM: Yes, I suppose.  
  
RON: Isn't it ironic that we both have red hair?  
  
SAM: Hmmph. I didn't notice that until now...  
  
RON: Yeah, whatever.  
  
  
  
RON: Well, does Frodo make you feel inferior to him?  
  
SAM: Not really...  
  
RON : Like, does he make you feel like you should  
be thankful that you are his best friend?  
  
SAM: Not really....  
  
RON: Yeah, I feel your pain.  
  
SAM: Wha-?  
  
RON: Wow, it's so nice to have someone to talk to that knows  
what its like being an overlooked sidekick.  
  
SAM: Hmmph.  
  
EVEN MORE MEANWHILE  
  
EXT. THE HOGWARTS KITCHENS  
  
LEGOLAS is sympathizing with the HOUSE ELVES.  
  
LEGOLAS: Wow. You all have such hard lives, don't you? I  
mean, working all day, sunup to sundown.  
  
RANDOM HOUSE ELF 1 : We house elves is  
loving our work, sir!  
  
LEGOLAS : Elves just don't get the respect  
they deserve anymore.... 


	2. Bizarre, Seemingly Impossible Things Tha...

EXT. SNAPE'S OFFICE  
  
SNAPE is sitting at his DESK, reading SOMETHING or ANOTHER.  
GALADRIEL enters the office gracefully, not even BOTHERING to  
KNOCK.  
  
SNAPE: Hello?  
  
GALADRIEL: By any chance, would you be the infamous Severus  
Snape?  
  
SNAPE: Yes, that would be me. Is there anything I can do for  
you?  
  
GALADRIEL : I- I am such a big fan of yours!  
I a-absolutely love your line of SHAMPOO POTIONS! You know  
'Shampoos by Snivellus?'  
  
SNAPE : Err, thank you very much!  
  
GALADRIEL: I think we have a lot in common, you and I....  
  
SNAPE: Yes, I think so too....  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
EXT. The OUTSKIRTS of the FORBIDDEN FOREST.  
  
EOWYN and HERMIONE are arguing over ARAGORN.  
  
EOWYN: He's mine! Mine I tell you!  
  
HERMIONE: Dare to dream, be-otch!  
  
EOWYN: Well, I NEVER!  
  
SUDDENLY, in the BACKGROUND, ARWEN can be seen riding her HORSE.  
DEMENTORS, who are the freaking RING WRAITHS of the POTTER  
WORLD, are pursuing her. A GIANT FLOOD of WATER comes up  
behind them, and WIPES THEM OUT. ARWEN'S maniacal LAUGHTER can  
be heard by EOWYN and HERMIONE.  
  
EOWYN : Dammit. Why does she always have to steal my  
scene?  
  
ARAGORN : I would get to higher ground if I  
were you two.  
  
HERMIONE: Wait. For once in my existence, I am confused.  
Eowyn, please enlighten me. What the hell is going on?  
  
Before EOWYN can answer, another FLOOD wipes out their PATHETIC  
ASSES. Being that the water is coming from the LAKE, the GIANT  
SQUID is NOT HAPPY.  
  
GIANT SQUID: I'll get you my pretty, and you're little  
boyfriend too!  
  
ARWEN throws a ROCK at the GIANT SQUID.  
  
ARWEN: No you aren't! SO NYAH!  
  
ARAGORN: Arwen, what did I tell you about beating up on Eowyn?  
We don't need a lawsuit from the King of Rohan, thank you very  
much. And leave the squid alone.  
  
ARWEN: My bad. 


	3. Chapter 3

EXT. THE KITCHENS  
  
LEGOLAS wearing an APRON and a CHEF'S HAT. He is teaching the HOUSE-ELVES how to make LEMBAS.  
  
LEGOLAS: ......And that's all there is too it!  
  
RANDOM HOUSE-ELF 2: We house-elves is eternally grateful to sir, for teaching us how to make this wonderful food!  
  
LEGOLAS: Aww, shucks.  
  
Turns out, LEMBAS doesn't sit to well on a HOUSE-ELVE'S STOMACH.  
  
EXT. THE GREAT HALL of HOGWARTS  
  
Our heroes are all gathered for DINNER, where the only thing being served is LEMBAS.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: This is unusual.  
  
DUMBLEDORE gets up to go check the KITCHENS. He returns a moment later.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Where have all the House-elves gone?  
  
LEGOLAS has a COUGHING FIT.  
  
DUMBLEDORE : .....and where is Madame Pomphrey?  
  
LEGOLAS thinks to himself that she is PROBABLY still tending to the SICK HOUSE-ELVES.  
  
HARRY: I don't know, sir. Has anyone seen Hermione?  
  
ARWEN has a COUGHING FIT.  
  
RON: And where is Professor Snape? This meal is lacking his sarcasm and death glares.  
  
They all continue to eat in SILENCE. After a moment, SNAPE and GALADRIEL show up. SNAPE has LIPSTICK smeared across his FACE. Shortly after this, the meal is OVER, and our heroes DISAPPEAR, probably to throw up what they just ATE.  
  
PART II  
  
EXT. THE THIRD FLOOR CORRIDOR  
  
The GHOST of BORIMERE and NEARLY HEADLESS NICK are comparing BATTLE WOUNDS.  
  
NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: I got hit in the neck with a blunt axe repeatedly, before I died!  
  
BORIMERE: Yeah, well, I got shot by three arrows!  
  
NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Oh, boo-hoo. Stop your whining!  
  
BORIMERE: Excuse me?  
  
BORIMERE lays the SMACKDOWN on NEARLY HEADLESS NICK. It is FUNNY because they are BOTH ALREADY DEAD.  
  
MEANWHILE, our VILLAINS are having a showdown.  
  
EXT. SOMEWHERE DARK AND SCARY  
  
SARUMAN: I'm more evil than you are!  
  
VOLDEMORTE: Are not!  
  
SARUMAN: Are too!  
  
VOLDEMORTE: Are not!  
  
SARUMAN and VOLDEMORTE both cast the IMPERIUS CURSE on each other at the SAME TIME. SARUMAN TAP-DANCES and VOLDEMORTE does BACK-HANDSPRINGS, until they are both wiped out by the REMAINS of ARWEN'S FLOOD. Her MANIACAL LAUGHTER is still echoing through the TREES. 


	4. Chapter 4

EXT. THE LAKEFRONT  
  
MERRY, PIPPIN, FRED, and GEORGE are all having a jolly good laugh, while SWIMMING in the LAKE. The GIANT SQUID is still NOT HAPPY, and the LAKE is still experiencing LOW TIDE.  
  
MERRY : We are the Comic Relief of the Fellowship!  
  
PIPPIN: Yup.  
  
GEORGE: Wow. What a coincidence.  
  
FRED: So are we!  
  
GIANT SQUID: Let's see if you make it comical when I throw you out of this lake? PIPPIN : Merry, who said that?  
  
GEORGE: Well, it can't be the Giant Squid.  
  
FRED: Of course not. The Giant Squid can't talk.  
  
GIANT SQUID: That's what you think...  
  
THE GIANT SQUID throws them out of the LAKE.  
  
PIPPIN : Fred, does this happen a lot?  
  
FRED: Only when the squid gets really mad.  
  
ARWEN calls out the CASTLE WINDOW: THAT WOULD BE MY FAULT! SOOOOOOOOORRY!  
  
EXT. THE GREAT HALL OF HOGWARTS.  
  
HERMIONE and EOWYN show up SOAKING WET, and looking EXTREMELY PISSED OFF. ARWEN hides behind ARAGORN, who she expects to PROTECT her from their WRATH. DUMBLEDORE thinks it would be a good time to WRAP THINGS UP.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Well, I hope you all have enjoyed your stay. I can tell that within this one day, many bonds have been formed. However, this visit must end, as all visits must.  
  
Upon hearing this, PANDEMONIUM breaks out. HERMIONE lunges at ARWEN, who shrieks, and dives to the FLOOR, tripping HERMIONE. GALADRIEL begins to SOB HYSTERICALLY, and clings to SNAPE. Between her muffles sobs, the words "I don't wanna go" can be heard repeated several times.  
  
DUMBLDORE raises his EYEBROWS and CONTINUES.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: However, I have enough two-way mirrors here, so that you can all keep in contact! Aren't I smart?  
  
THEY all exchange TWO WAY MIRRORS. Before the proper goodbyes can be exchanged, however, MADAME POMPHREY runs into the GREAT HALL, warning LEGOLAS that a band of PISSED OFF HOUSE-ELVES with FLAMING TORCHES is about to come after him.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: You should all go now. You can come back some other time if you want.  
  
GANDALF: Ok. Sounds good. I'm just surprised that Pippin didn't burn down that castle or anything at any point in the day.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Then you should get going before he does....  
  
PIPPIN: Hey! 


End file.
